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Glesca Stories II
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  ( stories added in no specific order )
 
True story -honest:- 
One of the auxiliaries in a friend's ward got on a bus  to travel to the Glasgow Royal Infirmary after a few stops a dwarf got on, and as there were no seats left a young man stood up and offered the dwarf his seat. 
The dwarf started shouting & bawling how he didn't want bloody charity etc because of his height. 
The young man took to his seat again & the bus fell silent until the dwarf went to get off at his stop. 
At this point the young man who'd offered his seat shouted
 "Haw wee man! I hope when yi get hame...Snow White kicks yer heid in!"  the whole bus went hysterical..
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Dae any of yi remember the Weevils family frae Brigton?
There wis two brothers Wullie and Jimmy. Anyway wan o' them, ah think it wis Wullie, went away tae America and became a very famous actor starring in many great films. The other wan, Jimmy Weevils, he staid in Brigton and worked in the local shop stacking shelves. Throughout Brigton he became known as the lesser of two weevils!
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An American entered a bar, an stood beside Oor Wull. "Where ur ye fae, said the wee man?? 
"I'm from the finest country in the world, said the American. "Ur ye,?" says Oor Wull, 
"Well you've got a helluva funny accent fur a Scotsman,!!"
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Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. 
A couple who drove their car to the local supermarket only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he attempted to fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place
On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet of the car and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Granny's letter click here
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Extract from e-mail Dec..2002 (name withheldI read somewhere that if you wish to strengthen your immune system you should lick the kitchen floor every morning, In the streets of Glasgow as a child therefore, I must have had the strongest immune system possible.
When playing evening 'kick the can' or 'run sheep run' all the running about made us very hot and thirsty, it was not unusual on these occasions, to have a good big sook frae the puddle which was a mixture of rain, stank watter, wae cat dug and weans peeins. the alternative to this was going hame tae quench yer thirst, which meant ye wur told tae 'stie in, ye'v school the  morra'
If a wisnae sooking puddle watter I would be drinking frae the toilet pan in the Geggie, as they had sealed off the drinking tap and turned the heating up full blast, so that ye wid buy thur 'Keeora' orange drinks, and as I had nae money havin skipped in in the furst place, I had tae resort tae the lavvy pan.
Another place where I strengthen my immune system was through standing on the corner fence at Jimmy Freers yard and diving Superman style right on to the mixture of sawdust, pony manure and urine which was piled high for collection.
And on top of all this I was an qualified midgie raker, och they germs, never did me any herm and made me the healthy fine figure of a man I am today. (cough cough).
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A local minister, doctor and engineer were waiting one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. The Glesca engineer fumed, "whats wi  these guys, we've been waiting 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in " I don't know, I've never seen such ineptitude"  The minister said, " here comes the greenkeeper, lets have a word with him..... What's the problem with that group in front of us, they're very slow?"  The greenkeeper explained that they were a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year and they were allowed to play anytime for free.
The 3 men were silent for a moment then the minister said, "that's so sad, I will say a special prayer for them tonight."  The doctor said, " good idea, I will contact my ophthalmologist pal to see if he can do anything for them."  The Glesca engineer said, " why can't these guys play at night!" . 
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Oor Wull meets his mate Big Jas in the pub and asks him how he was. His pal said "fine, fine...but I've killed my wife. I'll show you if you want" So they go into the back green and next to the washhouse is a big mound of earth, with a bum sticking out it. Oor Wull asks "Is that her? Why did you leave her bum sticking out?"  Big Jas said " I need somewhere to park my bike!"

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A death in the street   Nov.2002
Any Glaswegian over the age of forty-five will remember that when white blinds went up in Glesca, this was a sign that someone had gone to meet their maker. As nine/ten year old youngsters of that era, Joe McCully, Andy Shankly and Ron McPhee would, on seeing the white blinds, knock the door to pay their "last respects" each with their fingers crossed that the coffin lid would not yet be in place. (I know, I know, terrible bad taste, but they were kids brought up on X films at The Geggie in Kilpatrick Street)
 
So there we have the three of them standing in front of the coffin and looking at the poor soul inside (they attended many) and as they mumbled "prayers" they were watchful to detect any body or eye movement from within the coffin.
Having been polite and respectful throughout the event (they did have an element of good upbringing) they would on leaving, sit at the close landing telling Pat Mick and the Irishman jokes and recalling further how at least one of them had seen the dead body making eye or body movements (like the beast of the five fingers)
All of this behaviour being inexcusable my only excuse can be that they were children searching for the meaning of life and there own mortality and having fun in the process!!.

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A case reported in the papers around the 1970's......
.....they were pulling down the last of the tenements in the Bernard Street area of Bridgeton when they found a skeleton up the lum!  Following a check of the body to find out how long it had been up there, the estimated time was from the mid thirties, and after further research they were able to tell what had happened to this poor soul. 

It seems that the ground floor shop of the building had once been a pawn shop and newspaper clippings of the time told of how it kept being broken into but no one could understand how or by whom. After a while however the break-in's ceased and the matter was past by the constabulary into unresolved criminal history. 

The outcome of the recent research showed that the pawn had been broken into on a bank holiday weekend and, it was believed, that it was this weekend that the burglar had become stuck up the chimney, it seems that he must have yelled and yelled but his muffled cries were to no avail. they therefore believed he smothered to death. 

Perhaps his epitaph should read, "If you burgle through lums yer end soon comes". 

They didn't have official community based penalties in those days.                    (Ron McPhee)

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Glesca Stories I Glesca Stories III Adult Stories for over 18s Glesca Adult stories
      ( over 18's only )

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Hope you all enjoyed these tales and had a good laugh.......webmaister.

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